12-20-99 10:22 PM
They Cut My Pepe Off
by Ryan Munevar
Word Count: 968
I was calmly walking on the sidewalk heading for a little restaurant to meet some friends when a black Mercedes careened off the road and bumped me about twenty feet forward into the side of a building. There was a loud crack when I hit the wall, and I didn’t feel any pain except for a strange numbness all over my body. I heard a woman in high heels get out of the car and run over. She stood over me for a second. I noticed she wasn’t wearing panties under her black dress.
“What the hell were you thinking?” she asked in a drunken slur.
I calmly rolled my eyes and said, “Goddamn women drivers.”
Some bum started laughing from a cardboard box when he heard me.
The last thing I can remember before I passed out was that the drunk bitch who ran me over sped off into the night. This did not make me happy.
The first thing I noticed when I woke up was a blinding white light. I blinked a few times as my eyes slowly adjusted to the light. The second thing I noticed was that I was lying down on a metal table. It was not cold, but it was a little uncomfortable. The third thing was somewhat perplexing. I was naked.
Now, I’m not ashamed of my body; in fact, I’m rather proud of it. Especially my dick. Though it wasn’t overly large, it had character. At least I thought so.
But unfortunately, when I looked down, I noticed something rather unsettling. It wasn’t my dick anymore. It was someone else’s. It’s not that it was a bad dick; in fact, it was quite nice, even a little bit larger than my previous dick, but it just wasn’t my dick. That was rather disturbing to me.
But it didn’t compare to the next thing I noticed. To my right stood a large silver robotic spider about six feet high and maybe eight feet in length, if it fully extended its arms. At the end of each thin appendage was a multitude of strange clasping devices, with little lights flickering on and off. It was sucking up red fluid with one of the arms and squirting it into another container with blue fluid.
I was speechless. A large red eye turned around and looked in my general direction. When it said “Good Morning Sunshine!” with a deep Texas accent I leapt off the table and began to scream like a little catholic school girl. I hate spiders.
Then it started laughing at me and went back to sucking up the red fluid. I stopped screaming and backed away to the other side of the room. I heard a hissing noise behind me and spun around to find a beautiful nude girl standing in a doorway. She tilted her head and smiled.
“I see you have woken up,” she said.
“What the fuck is going on?”
“It’s interesting you should ask. What do you know about cryogenics?”
“What?”
She came into the room, went over to a little silver computer the size of a CD case, and pulled up a few images.
“Let’s see… Ohh, you are a 2026. How interesting.”
“What?”
“Just full of questions, aren’t you? This must be so exciting. Look, Frank!” she pointed at my crotch. “His body is beginning to fully work.” I looked down to notice my dick was hard. Very hard, very big, and very embarrassing. The spider turned one of its red eyes around to look at me again.
“Ye of little faith,” the spider said and then went back to sucking.
“Who are you? What the fuck is that?” I pointed at the spider. “Where is my dick? And what the fuck is going on?”
She looked puzzled for a second. “Your dick?”
“My penis! My cock! My shlong! Where the fuck is it?”
“But it’s right there,” she pointed at my crotch again.
“No! Goddamnit! Where is my dick?”
“Ohh… Are you referring to your original genitalia?”
“I don’t know, am I?”
“Ohh, don’t worry about that. It was a complete success.”
“What the fuck do you mean, don’t worry?”
“We got rid of it.”
“What?” My heart fell into my stomach.
“We got rid of it.”
But we had been through so much together.
“Why?” I cried out.
“Because it was inadequate. As was the rest of your body.”
I don’t think I have ever been more insulted in my life.
“Ohh Jesus Fucking Christ…” I moaned as I leaned up against a large, clear, tube-like container.
“Religious slang, right?” She was so excited.
“Please, just tell me what is going on.”
“Well, where to begin… I guess. Okay,” she composed her thoughts for a brief second. “Today is October first, two thousand two hundred and six. A.D., or Anno Domini. Whichever you prefer.”
“Ohh… It gets worse,” I muttered as I looked at my new dick.
The spider’s eye turned around and looked at me. “Don’t worry, kid, it gets better.”
“Thank you, Frank,” the girl said to the spider.
“No problem, little honey,” he happily replied.
“Now, after your accident, you went into a coma and eventually became one of the first full-term cryogenic patients to be revived when neural treatment was available.” I couldn’t believe this was happening.
And there I was: Confused, very nude, viciously hard and pissed off at a six-foot-tall spider named Frank with a Texas accent, and a naked titty girl who thought this was exciting. All because of some drunk whore with no panties.
The spider turned its eye towards me again. “Welcome to the future, Sunshine!”
I gave the only response I could.
“Goddamned women drivers…”