Fuck Sharks
By Ryan Munevar
Posted 7th July 2011
Word Count: 845
I was floating in the ocean while taking a piss when the shark bumped its nose into my crotch.
You do know that they, being the fish, use our ocean as their own personal toilet.
Well, they can go fuck themselves.
But at that moment I felt a bit egotistical, so yea, I made a fist and punched that mother fucker in the nose the next time he made a pass.
He knew it.
I knew it.
I wasn’t going to piss in the Pacific anymore, and he’d leave me my balls.
It was a mutual understanding.
Swam back to shore.
Stood there on the beach and watched for him.
In a wave, I saw his shadow.
He was watching me.
Taunting me.
So I took it out again and shot another stream of gold.
“Go fuck yourself!” I yelled as I shook off.
And that’s when I got impressed.
It started as a rumbling as the water began to boil, and that bastard jumped about 2 feet and crashed back in.
A little kid making a sand castle with a moat stood up and began to cry.
“Pussy,” I said.
And that bastard jumped again, 5 feet this time.
Little kid ran away.
“Pussy,” I said again, but I don’t know whom I was talking about at this time.
This is not good.
20 feet this time.
Goddamned!
Felt like pissing again.
And then, I swear to God, that fucking shark jumped again and didn’t crash.
He swam slowly through the sky. Eyes turned black to red. Tail swaying back and forth slowly, taking time.
And the gills pulsed every few seconds, with a deep, deep throb.
He circled out there over the ocean a few times, but then he turned inland.
Coming right for me, looking right at me.
“Ugh, uh, fuck that shit.”
I start running, the other fucking way.
Going for my car, doors are open. Keys under the seat, what can I say, I’m lazy.
Screeching and I’m out of there going Mach 2, but that bastard is up there pulsing in the sky.
I hit the 10 going east, hit it fast.
Merge with traffic? Fuck no!
If you are in my way, then you get the fuck out of it.
How do they always escape the cops?
Got to hit the parts of LA with tall buildings so the chopper can’t see you.
Downtown it is, right into the thick of it, gold and diamond district.
10 Thousand Mexicans selling their culture, and 20 Jews glaring at them from the storefronts.
“Feliz Navidad” plays on this street, and it never stops; guess someone hit repeat and never turned it off.
Have I lost him? No, I can hear the pulse, and then No! A red light, and shit I’m stuck! My car dies.
God, you cock sucker, you and me, we gonna have words later.
Fuck the car.
Run!
Out into the sea of illegals, knocking people over, looking up as I go, he’s coming in, no one can see him, I’m pointing and screaming.
They can’t hear, or wait, they do, but no one speaks my language.
He’s going to kill us all, oh God not like this, not here to “Feliz Navidad”.
“Run Goddamnit, Run! Can’t you see him?”
Nothing, they don’t get it.
Crazy fucking white punk.
To hell with decency, these are humans here. The real ones that sweat, and stink, fuck, lie, cheat, steal, love, and eat.
Only one way to get them to run.
“La Migra! La Migra!”
I couldn’t help but laugh as they ran.
And an odd thing happened: his shadow passed over me, and I heard a gnawing crunch.
Every sound gets real sharp, and I ain’t got no right hand any more. Right at the wrist he took it.
Fuck! I jerk off with that hand, you son of a bitch.
…rage
“You going to pay for that,”
Oddder thing again, I noticed the blood was dripping up into the sky. Little drops shooting up into heaven like bullets.
Ok… Gravity just took a vacation.
That’s just fucking perfect.
“All right motherfuckers, let’s do this dance.”
I go back to my car with a smile and pop the trunk. Grab the 1-gallon can of gas I keep back there, dangerous to keep it in your trunk filled, lazy, I know.
“Fuck are the flares?”
Never mind, got one…
He’s coming in again, fast this time.
“Now I end you…”
Holding the gas can next to me with the blood stump, I unscrew it with my left.
Feeling the shadow crossing over me, I light the flare against the zipper over my cock and drop the burning head into the hole of the can.
BOOM!
I fucking got you!
Shit, I got me too.
Now…
I’m being chewed up while I’m on fire.
Roasting him from the inside out.
I got you motherfucker, I got you.
Then I die.
But I’m still laughing.
Now I’m in heaven, but I’ll tell you about that next time.
The End…
P.S. Fuck Sharks!