3-13-04 4:02 AM
Fat Rash
by Ryan Munevar
Word Count: 413
The point of working out around midnight at an all-hours sports club is to avoid the lines at the machines, the beasts in the sauna, and, in general, people altogether. But even at this hour some of them slip through. The fat man changing next to me was no exception. A man so fat that even his skin was repulsed to be near him. It was the kind of fat that turns the skin a fluorescent red glow like a spanked pig’s belly.
I call it the fat rash.
“They stick this tube up your colon and suck all the waste out,” he said to me. This was a guy I had never met before, until tonight.
I nodded my head and kept throwing my gear into the locker. After finishing a 4k swim, I was tired and trying to get out as fast as I could.
“No, it’s true. I’ve already lost 25 lbs from only two treatments.”
I looked over at him. Hard to notice a 25 lb difference on a man that must have weighed at least 380. Got to lose at least a hundred to make an impact.
“Good for you, man,” I said to him.
“And do you know of Dr. Atkins?”
The diet cult of Dr. Atkins. A doctor so fat that when he slipped on some ice, his fat crushed his head and sent him into a coma. At least old people have the courtesy to break their hips and don’t drag it out before they die.
“Yeah, I’ve heard of him,” I said.
“He’s my personal hero. Such a shame,” he said.
“That he’s your hero?”
“No, that he died.”
“Didn’t he die weighing over 250 lbs?”
“That was water retention. He normally weighed 195 lbs.”
“So he had 55 lbs of water retention?”
“Yes…”
I didn’t say anything, just kept changing. Almost done.
“He was a beautiful man,” Fat Rash said in almost a whisper.
I finished changing and zipped up my gym bag.
“Well, I hope things work out between you two,” I said.
“What? Oh yes, yes… But you will try Colon Hydrotherapy, won’t you?”
“Of course I will.”
“Good. Remember, 25 lbs,” he said.
“I’ll remember.”
“Promise?”
“Yeah.”
“Young man like you needs to keep it in check down there. Flush that evil out.”
“Gotcha.”
“I’ll be seeing you around.”
“I don’t doubt it.”
As I was leaving, Fat Rash whispered the words again. “…a beautiful man.”