It’s 1:51 AM, I’m in Monterey pulling hi-resolution pictures off a NASA website and merging them into a stunning time lapse photography video taken from the International Space Station of the Aurora Borealis over Earth with city lights below, when my friend Matt calls me up from LA.
I normally don’t answer my phone and just let it go to voicemail even when it’s friends or family calling, but Matt always has something unique to say.
“Dude, Dildo or Vibrator? I need to know.”
“Are you fucking high?”
“Yes, and I’m at the Hustler Store in Hollywood and I wanna buy Annabelle a toy.”
“Who the fuck is Annabelle?”
“My younger sister Dude!”
I take another drink of beer and lean back in my chair.
“Are you trying to play a joke on her or something?”
“No Dude, she’s going to college. I wanna make sure she’s hitting the books harder than the cock. So I figured I send her off proper. And I forgot her birthday last week but I found a $100 gift card in my car when I was cleaning it and thought, why not? Why you think it’s a bad idea?”
“I think it’s inspired.”
“Exactly, so you going to help me figure out what to get her or what?”
“Alright I’ll take the bait. What does she look like?”
“Why do you wanna know?”
“Because I can tell what a girl would prefer just by looking at her.”
“It’s a gift.”
Honestly I’m just curious.
“I’m not showing you pictures of my sister.”
“And yet you ask me Vibrator or Dildo?”
“Dildo or Vibrator. I said Dildo or Vibrator. Check your dyslexia.”
“The fuck does it matter. Buy her both.”
“Dude, this shit is expensive. Have you bought one of these lately?”
“No, no I have not.”
“And why would I buy her two? What if she uses both of them at the same time?”
I drink my beer in a moment of silence as we both ponder that thought.
“Look, have you asked her what she would prefer?”
“Hell no, that would be weird. I just want to surprise her.”
“How old is she?”
“And she’s just going to college now?”
“She did two years in community. Transferring to Chapman.”
“Aren’t you a little late with the Dildo and or Vibrator then?”
“It’s the thought that counts… What the fuck is this?”
There’s some muffled talking in the background.
“Dude! Women don’t have prostates!”
More muffled talking.
“Never mind, the Sexual Expert here, what’s your name… Bethany? Bethany says they do, something called the Skene’s gland, which has been renamed the female prostate by the medical community.”
“Good to know Matt.”
I get another beer.
“No, no, no… Nothing black. I don’t want her getting any ideas.”
“Half the toys here are black, purple, or skin colored.”
“You never were that good at math were you.”
“Whatever. I’ll get her something purple and nothing over six and a half inches. I don’t want her to be ruined on her wedding day. Oh that looks awesome! Dude, ever heard of the Ultra Thin Jelly Delights Vibe.”
“I have not.”
“It’s six and a half inches, and looks like a fucking purple circumcised gummy bear’s dick! I’ll take it! Wrap that bitch up! Wait, I still got more money to spend…”
“How exactly do you plan to spring these gifts on her? Are you going to just drop her off at school on the first day and be like ‘Don’t forget your sex toys’?”
Matt laughs. “Yeah! I think I will.”
More muffled conversation with Bethany.
“7th Motherfucking Heaven Platinum Rabbit Pearl! Dude! This is the one! This is the fucking light saber of vibrators! Oh man, it’s $69.95, I’m in a moral quandary now and the store is getting ready to close in like five minutes.”
“How much was the Purple Gummy Bear Vibrator?”
“$27.95, plus $69.95, and with tax I don’t think I can get both.”
“Just toss in another seven bucks on the gift card and you should be good.”
“I don’t know… They both need batteries. And what if she likes one more than the other? I don’t want to get her one she doesn’t use.”
“Then lose the Gummy Vibrator and swap it out for a regular old fashioned dildo that doesn’t need batteries and costs less.”
“But the Gummy Vibrator is cool as fuck.”
“Is it the light saber of vibrators?”
“Good point. Fuck it I can’t look at dick anymore and Hustler is closing up. I’m just going to get her the Rabbit and give her the gift card with the remaining balance written on the back. She’s a big girl, time to make her own decisions.”
“Alright man, good luck with that. What’s she studying by the way?”
“I don’t know, Anthropology, Cultural Anthropology, or some other fucking worthless dirt worshiping bullshit like that.”
“Hey, at least she’s not going for literature.”
“True that. Oh yeah! And happy birthday dude! Do you want anything?”
“No, I’m good on that.”
“Drinks then, next time you are in town.”
“Alright, I’ll let you get back to your booze and pornography now.”
“What makes you think I’m drinking?”
“The fuck else would you be doing in Monterey at this time of night?”
“I’ll give you that one.”
We hang up.
I set my time lapse project to render, get another beer, and walk out onto my patio. Looking out across the Monterey Bay at night I can see the flickering lights of Seaside, Marina, and all the way up the coast to Santa Cruz.
It’s beautiful but all I can think about are the good old fucked up days back in LA…