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Monterey Bay at Night

The Surly Vagina Beast

A young man and a young woman were sleeping in a big bed when, from somewhere in the dark room, came a guttural, mucous-clearing noise. The man immediately snapped up and looked around in the darkness. He shook his girlfriend a little. “Pam… Pam! Wake up,” he said. “What?” Pam asked. “Shh… There’s someone in the house.” “In the house?” “Shh… Listen.” They were quiet as they listened. A strange breathing could be heard. And then the guttural clearing noise […]

The Jacko and R. Kelly Show

“Welcome to the Michael Jackson and R. Kelly Show!  Tonight’s guests are Dick Cheney, Jesus, and a special appearance by The Klan!”  I said to the shrink.        He stared at me with calm eyes and his hands interlaced on his right knee.        “Then there is this goddamn saxophone music.  You know, that sleazy, energetic shit they play.”  I looked over and stopped talking as I studied a picture of flying ducks on his wall. […]

The Father of Detroit

Tommy walked into the bar, sat down, and nodded at the bartender.     “You don’t look so good man,” Bartender.     “Just got dumped,” Tommy.     “Beer?”     “No…  Bloody Mary tonight.  I didn’t get dinner.”     “Next best thing.”     The bartender started to make the drink.  “You didn’t need her anyway.  Cherry was nothing but trouble.”     “I thought you said you didn’t give advice.”     “I’m tired of you coming in here bitching about her.  You can […]

The Bare Minimum

     It was 8 AM and eighty-two degrees with a million percent humidity. The stink of rotting fruit in the French Quarter was getting heavier in the air by the second. A slight helicopter breeze generated by a ceiling fan fluffed the sheets around the two naked bodies lying in bed.      The young woman stirred and looked over at the clock, then out the open balcony of the second floor hotel room.      “It’s raining,” she said.      Xavier […]

In the Drunken Whorish Fever

Ohh Jesus… Where am I? What the fuck am I doing in an elevator? Think, damnit. What was the last thing you did? Is that a wine bottle in my hand? Why, yes, it is. A little sip won’t do any harm.      Tastes horrible. Dead grapes turned into purple red piss. Maybe I’ll have another one.      “Sir, are you going up?”      What the fuck? Who said that? I’ll fucking kill you for sneaking up on me like that. Oh, it’s […]

Firefly July

Joseph was a child that never stopped smiling. And in the presence of his father he absolutely beamed, so much so that in public people who didn’t even know him would often stop his father and say, “My goodness, what a wonderful boy you have there, and his smile, have you considered putting him in the movies? He could sell anything.”           “Oftentimes I have. Say ‘thank you’ to the pretty lady, Joseph,”       […]

Dildo or Vibrator?

It’s 1:51 AM, I’m in Monterey pulling hi-resolution pictures off a NASA website and merging them into a stunning time lapse photography video taken from the International Space Station of the Aurora Borealis over Earth with city lights below, when my friend Matt calls me up from LA.     I normally don’t answer my phone and just let it go to voicemail even when it’s friends or family calling, but Matt always has something unique to say.     “Dude, Dildo […]

Cocker Spaniels from Hell

12:45 Sunday July 16th, 2012 ARMY Recon Chopper – 500 Feet in the Air Every man, woman, and child was ripped apart in the town of Powell, Wyoming.      “The cocker spaniels are on the move, heading north East about 12-15 miles an hour,” Captain Hillard said to General Graft.      “Start the evacuation of Cody,” General Graft said into the microphone of his helmet. 1:15 PM Sunday July 16th, 2012 3rd Street Catholic Church, Cody, Wyoming – Emergency Response […]