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They Cut My Peepee Off

I was calmly walking on the sidewalk heading for a little restaurant to meet some friends when a black Mercedes careened off the road and bumped me about twenty feet forward into the side of a building.  There was a loud crack when I hit the wall and I didn’t feel any pain except for a strange numbness all over my body.  I heard a woman in high heels get out of the car and run over.  She stood over me for a second.  I noticed she wasn’t wearing panties under her black dress.
     “What the hell were you thinking?” she asked in a drunken slur.
     I calmly rolled my eyes at her and said.  “Goddamn women drivers.”
     Some bum started laughing from a cardboard box when he heard me say that.
     The last thing I can remember before I passed out was that the drunk bitch that ran me over sped off into the night.  This did not make me happy.
     The first thing I noticed when I woke up was a blinding white light.  I blinked a few times and my eyes adjusted to the light slowly.  The second thing I noticed was that I was laying down on a metal table.  It was not cold, but it was a little uncomfortable.  The third thing was somewhat perplexing.  I was naked.
     Now, I’m not ashamed of my body, in fact I’m rather proud of it.  Especially my dick.  Though it wasn’t overly large it had character.  At least I thought so.
     But unfortunately when I looked down at it I noticed something rather unsettling.  It wasn’t my dick anymore.  It was someone else’s.  It’s not that it was a bad dick, in fact it was quite nice, even a little bit larger than my previous dick, but it just wasn’t my dick.  That was rather disturbing to me.
     But it didn’t compare to the next thing I noticed.  To my right stood a large silver robotic spider about six feet high and maybe eight feet in length, if it fully extended its arms.  On the end of each of its thin appendages was a multitude of strange clasping devices with little lights flickering on and off.  It was sucking up red fluid with one of the arms and squirting it into another container with blue fluid.
     I was speechless.  A large red eye turned around and looked in my general direction.  When it said, “Good Morning Sunshine!” with a deep Texas accent I leapt off the table and began to scream like a little catholic school girl.  I hate spiders.
     Then it started to laugh at me and went back to sucking the red fluid up.  I stopped screaming and backed away to the other side of the room.  I heard a hissing noise behind me and spun around to find a beautiful nude girl standing in a doorway.  She tilted her head and smiled.
     “I see you have woken up,” she said.
     “What the fuck is going on?”
     “It’s interesting you should ask.  What do you know about cryogenics?”
     “What?”
     She came into the room and went over to a little silver computer the size of a CD case and pushed a few images on it.
     “Let’s see…  Ohh, you are a twenty twenty six.  How interesting.”
     “What?”
     “Just full of question aren’t you.  This must be so exciting.  Look Frank!” she pointed at my crotch.  “His body is beginning to fully work,” I looked down to notice my dick was hard.  Very hard, very big and very embarrassing.  The spider turned one of its red eyes around to look at me again.
     “Ye of little faith,” the spider said and then went back to sucking.
     “Who are you?  What the fuck is that?” I pointed at the spider.  “Where is my dick?  And what the fuck is going on?”
     She looked puzzled for a second.  “Your, dick?”
     “My penis!  My cock! My shlong!  Where the fuck is it?”
     “But it’s right there,” she pointed at my crotch again.
     “No!  Goddamnit!  Where is my dick?”
     “Ohh…  Are you referring to your original genitalia?”
     “I don’t know, am I?”
     “Ohh don’t worry about that it.  It was a complete success.”
     “What the fuck do you mean don’t worry?”
     “We got rid of it.”
     “What?” my heart fell into my stomach.
     “We got rid of it.”
     But we had been through so much together.
     “Why?” I cried out.
     “Because it was inadequate.  As was the rest of your body.”
     I don’t think I have ever been more insulted in my life.
     “Ohh Jesus Fucking Christ…” I moaned as I leaned up against a large clear tube-like container.
     “Religious slang, right?” She was so excited.
     “Please, just tell me what is going on.”
     “Well, where to begin…  I guess.  Okay,” she composed her thoughts for a brief second.  “Today is October first, two thousand two hundred and six.  A.D., or Anno Domini.  Whichever you prefer.”
     “Ohh…  It gets worse,” I muttered as I looked at my new dick.
     The spider’s eye turned around and looked at me.  “Don’t worry kid, it gets better.”
     “Thank you, Frank,” the girl said to the spider.
     “No problem little honey,” he happily replied.
     “Now after your accident, you went into a comma and eventually became one of the first full-term cryogenic patients to be revived when neural treatment was available.”  

     I couldn’t believe this was happening.
     And there I was:  Confused, very nude, viciously hard and pissed off at a six-foot tall spider named Frank with a Texas accent, and a naked titty girl who thought this was exciting.  All because of some drunk whore with no panties.
     The spider turned its eye towards me again.  “Welcome to the future, Sunshine!”
     I gave the only response I could.
     “Goddamned women drivers…”

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