A young man and a young woman were sleeping in a big bed when, from somewhere in the dark room, came a guttural, mucous-clearing noise. The man immediately snapped up and looked around in the darkness. He shook his girlfriend a little.
“Pam… Pam! Wake up,” he said.
“What?” Pam asked.
“Shh… There’s someone in the house.”
“In the house?”
They were quiet as they listened. A strange breathing could be heard. And then the guttural clearing noise again.
“What the hell was that?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Troy, I’m scared,” she said.
“Hey!” a man screamed.
They both flinched at the scream.
“Who’s there?” Troy screamed into the darkness.
“What’s it to you?” the man screamed back.
“I’m gonna fuck you up man!” Troy yelled.
“You already did! And I loved it!” the man screamed back.
“What?” Troy asked.
“You heard me. I loved it!”
“All right, whoever you are, come out before I kill you.”
“Ohh! I’m acoming!”
“This is your last chance man! Or else I get the shotgun!”
“Coming, coming closer!”
“Get the gun! Get the gun!” Pam screamed.
Troy rolled out of the bed and grabbed a pump action shotgun from underneath it.
“Bring it on motherfucker!” the man screamed at Troy.
Troy chambered the shotgun and then turned on the light. There was no one in the room but Pam.
“He’s gotta be in the bathroom!” Pam screamed.
Troy spun around and blasted a hole through the bathroom door. The man laughed, but his laughter didn’t come from the bathroom. It came from inside the room.
“Getting warmer!” the man screamed.
“The closet! Shoot the closet!” Pam screamed.
Troy blew up the closet doors with two quick blasts. The doors fell to pieces but nothing was in there except for destroyed clothes.
“Ohh Hot! Hot! You’re so hot! You’re making me sweat!” the man screamed.
“Jesus Christ!” Troy screamed. “He’s under the bed!”
Pam jumped off the bed and Troy fired the rest of the shotgun’s rounds at it. Feathers and stuffing flew up into the air. But the man just kept laughing. When the shotgun ran out Troy handed it to Pam and then flipped the bed over.
But there was nobody there. Just holes in the floor.
“What the…” Troy said.
“Goddamnit!” she screamed. “Not again, I can’t go through this again!”
“Ohh… That’s it. That’s it. You’re making my juices run down the thighs! The thighs of love!”
And then the man laughed and giggled just to taunt Troy.
Troy looked over at Pam. She was naked and holding the shotgun. And then he realized the voice of the man was emanating from her vagina.
“What the fuck!” he screamed and backed away from her.
“What?” she asked.
“What? What! Your fucking vagina is talking. Ohh Jesus Christ! I don’t know, I don’t know what… Ohh Jesus. It’s fucking talking!”
“No, it isn’t,” she said.
“Yes, I fucking am!” The Vagina said.
“Ohh Jesus Christ,” Troy said.
“You shut up!” she screamed down at it.
“No! You shut up!” The Vagina screamed back up at her.
“How are you doing this?” Troy asked.
“She’s not,” The Vagina said.
“Ohh God… I thought this nightmare was over. I thought it was gone. But it’s not. I’m afraid you’ll have to learn to accept it.”
Troy thought for a second. The vagina made the guttural noise again.
“Fuck that,” Troy said.
“Troy,” Pam said.
“That…” he pointed at her vagina. “That’s just wrong.”
“How dare you say such things about me,” The Vagina said.
“This is just, ohh my God,” Troy said as he sank down into a chair.
“I will not tolerate such insolence,” The Vagina said.
“Why didn’t you tell me your… Thing could do that?”
“Hey!” The Vagina said, “I have a name.”
“Really… What is it?” Troy asked.
“I am Mexican. I am queen. But you shall refer to me as your lord and master,” the Vagina said in an authoritative voice.
“That’s it. I’m calling the police,” Troy said and went over to the phone.
“Troy… You can’t call the police,” Pam said.
“Yes Troy… You can’t call the police,” The Vagina said.
“Well, who should I call?” Troy asked.
“How should I know who to call?” Pam said.
“We shall call Las Vegas,” The Vagina said.
“You! Shut up!” Troy yelled at the vagina.
“How dare you!” The Vagina screamed. “I am Mexican. I am queen. But you shall refer to me as your lord and master!”
“I’m calling 911,” Troy said.
“No! I forbid it!” The Vagina screamed in a vicious rage.
Troy dialed the number and waited a second.
“Troy… Please, this is embarrassing enough as it is. We don’t need the police involved,” Pam said.
She put the shotgun down on the bed and took a step towards him. He flinched and backed up pointing a finger at her.
“Back! Stay back!” Troy yelled.
She shrugged her shoulders and stood still. Troy put the phone close to his ear and listened.
“Think of Las Vegas,” The Vagina said. “Think of the money! The women. Goddamnit man! Don’t you have some fucking vision?”
“Yes… this is an emergency,” Troy said.
“What kind of emergency?” the operator asked.
“Well,” Troy looked at the vagina. “I’m not really sure how to describe this but… My girlfriend’s vagina, it’s making weird noises.”
There was silence on the other end of the line. And then the operator cleared her throat.
“Sir, 911 is for emergency use only. If your girlfriend’s vagina is making weird noises then perhaps she should go see a gynecologist.”
“No, you don’t understand… It’s talking to me,” Troy said.
“Talking to you?”
“And what is it saying?”
“I don’t know, filthy things.”
“I see, 911 is for emergency use only, if you call back with this kind of shit again I will trace your call and report you to the police.”
The phone clicked.
“Hello?” Troy asked into it.
The Vagina started to laugh.
“No one will believe you,” The Vagina said.
Troy put the phone down and went back to sit in the chair. He put his head in his hands and began to breathe heavily.
“Your breath tastes like peppermint, and so does mine!” The Vagina said to cheer up Troy.
“Ohh Jesus!” Troy said.
He got off the chair and began to pace around the room waving the feathers out of his face as he went back and forth. Suddenly he stopped and looked at Pam.
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me about this?” he asked.
Pam looked guilty.
“It hadn’t happened for a while and I put it out of my mind. I desperately wanted to be normal.”
“Vegas… Vegas… Las Vegas!” The Vagina squealed.
“This is madness! I’m going insane! I have to be!” Troy yelled and sank back down into the chair, eyes closed, moaning.
“Think of Vegas, Troy, look at me,” The Vagina said.
Troy looked at the talking vagina.
“What about Vegas?” Troy asked.
“Think of the money we could make!” The Vagina said.
Troy nodded his head as he thought about it.
“Tell me… Can you do this on command?” Troy asked.
“On command?” The Vagina asked.
“Yea, can you just appear like this and start speaking anytime you want?”
“Then why haven’t you before?”
“Because I had a cold.”
“What kind of cold?”
“A long cold. I don’t want to talk about it,” The Vagina said.
Troy looked up at Pam. “What kind of cold?” Troy asked.
“Well it was a…” Pam started to say but was interrupted.
“Silence!” The Vagina screamed.
“Okay… So other than when you have a cold you can just talk?” Troy asked.
“Hmmm… You know, going to Vegas with this… talent of yours isn’t that bad of an idea.”
“I’m glad you see it my way,” The Vagina said.
“We are not going to Vegas! I will not have my Vagina put on display for the whole world to see!” Pam screamed.
“No, no, no… It doesn’t have to be like that,” Troy said.
“How else could it be?” Pam asked.
“Classy, real classy.”
“Ohh my God, I can’t even believe we are having this conversation,” Pam said.
“Neither can I, but now that I think about it we could make a fucking fortune off of this!” Troy said as he got more and more excited.
“No,” she said.
“Come on…” Troy said.
“Cum on me!” The Vagina said.
“Later,” Troy said. “But first, we need to think of some kind of advertising campaign, I mean, this is going to be a tricky thing to sell to the public.”
“Since when has vagina been a tricky thing to sell to the public?” The Vagina asked.
“I know, but this is a little bit different… We gotta be real careful with this,” Troy said.
“Troy! I’m not going to do this. No one would pay to see my vagina talk.”
“Goddamnit! Pam, your vagina talks! Don’t you realize how much money we’re going to make off this?”
“No, it’s not going to happen!”
“Millionaires! We could be millionaires! Pam, an opportunity like this doesn’t just fall in your lap every day!”
“That’s not funny!” Pam yelled at him.
“I’m totally serious. You have a gift! A beautiful furry gift! And you have to share it with the world. It’s not right for you to keep it all to yourself.”
“No, it’s not going to happen.”
“Pam, God gave you a vagina, a vagina that speaks, actually speaks! It’s goddamned blasphemy not to use your gift!”
“No, no good can come from this,” Pam said.
“Think of all the good you could do with that vagina. Think of the hope and inspiration you could give the world. Think of the smiles and laughter on the children’s faces when you show them your gift. You’ll be a hero!”
“Damn it Troy! I thought you were different from the others!”
“Pam, your honey pot is going to make us a fucking fortune! I’ll be your manager, I’ll get fifteen percent of the gross profit, and I mean gross stinking profit. You’ll get the rest. It’s perfect.”
“Ahem…” The Vagina said.
“What?” Troy asked.
“What do I get?” The Vagina asked.
“What do you want?” Troy asked.
“Well, first things first, I want a shave,” The Vagina said.
“No, I’m not shaving my vagina,” Pam said.
“Okay,” Troy said. “I’ll do it then.”
“No!” Pam yelled at him.”
“I want to bathe, I want a shave and a big greasy Cuban cigar to suck on,” The Vagina said.
“No one’s shaving my vagina!” Pam screamed.
“Pam, please, control yourself, we have to keep his best interest in mind.”
“Troy!” Pam yelled.
“So what do you say little fellow? Do we have a deal?” Troy asked.
“Yes we do,” The Vagina said.
“Shall we shake on it?” Troy asked.
“We shall,” The Vagina said.
And Troy turned off the light, to shake on it, in the darkness.