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God’s Got Blue Balls

“At six forty seven P.M. your heart stopped.  The doctors tried every available means to resuscitate you but they couldn’t.  I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you died.”

            I’m not really sure what the fuck was telling me this but it looked like a little white glowing ball of light.  I’m positive he was a doctor in his past life.

            “But look on the bright side.  You’re in heaven,” it said to me.

            “No shit.  I didn’t know atheists could get into heaven,” I said.

            “There will be none of that language here.”

            “And why the fuck not?”

            “This is heaven.  We will not tolerate such filth.”

            “Whatever.  Where are all the naked titty girls?”

            “The what?”

            “The naked titty girls.”

            “This is heaven.  We will not tolerate such filth.”

            “What are you, a bunch of fags?”

            “This is heaven.  We will-“

            “Not tolerate such filth.  Yea, yea, yea, but what do you do here?”

            “We contemplate.”

            “Contemplate what?”

            “Life.”

            “But you’re fucking dead.  What does it matter now?”

            “Enough of your filthy language.  This is heaven.”

            “Shut the fuck up,” I said and floated away from him to some other glowing balls of light.  One of them was red and one of them was blue.

            “Hey, how’s it going?” I asked them.

            “Quite splendid,” the blue ball said.  “You’re new here, aren’t you?  Have you asked your questions yet?”

            “My questions?”

            “Yes, your questions,” the red ball said.

            “Well no…  I haven’t.  I don’t even know who to ask.”

            “Silly, you ask God,” the Blue ball said.

            “Well where the fuck is that silly bastard, you blue ball of love?”

            The red ball glowed redder and said.  “How dare you speak that way about our Lord and

Master!”

            “Ohh he’s just being silly,” the blue ball said.

            “Do you wanna get silly with me?” I asked the blue ball.

            “Ohh you’re so silly.  We can’t do that here.  This is heaven.”

            “Goddamnit…  All right.  Where can we get silly then?”

            “We can’t.  We can’t take on corporeal shapes,” the blue ball said.

            “Well, why the fuck not?”

            “Because it’s evil,” said the red ball.

            “Don’t be such a fucking prude.”

            “Prude!  Prude!” the red ball said.

            “Come on, blue ball.  Let’s ditch this fucker.”

            “Ohh you’re so silly.”

            But when I floated away from them, the blue ball left the red ball and followed me.

            “So what do you guys do here?” I asked.

            “Not much.  It’s kind of boring actually.”

            “How long have you been here?”

            “I don’t know. What year is it back on Earth?”

            “Nineteen Ninety Nine.”

            “Wow…  I guess I’ve been here for almost three years.”

            “And in all that time you’ve never gotten down and dirty?”

            “No, silly.”

            “What the fuck were you?  A preschool teacher?”

            “How did you know?”

            “Lucky guess.”

            We floated along in silence for a few seconds.  I saw some green balls floating past and then realized that I didn’t know what color I was.

            “What color am I?” I asked.

            “Pink.”

            “Pink!  I’m fucking pink!”

            “Yes.  What’s wrong?”

            “I’m pink that’s what’s wrong.  Goddamnit this is embarrassing.”

            “It’s okay.  I like pink.”

            “Jesus Christ…  Hey?  Is He here?”

            “Of course, silly.”

            “What color is He?”

            “White.”

            “White…  Hmm, what’s the best color to be?”

            “White, then gold, then yellow, then orange, red, pink, purple, blue, green, brown and black.  Nobody wants to be black.”

            “Can we ever change our colors?”

            “Yes, it depends on how you behave.”

            “How did I get my color to begin with?”

            “Well you must’ve been a good person when you were alive.”

            “Really?  I always thought I was an asshole.  Tell me, is there a hell?”

            “Ohh yes there is.”

            “What’s that like?”

            “I don’t know.  I’ve never been there.”

            “But you must’ve heard something.”

            “Well, I’ve heard rumors.”

            “What kind of rumors.”

            “Filthy rumors.”

            “Tell me.”

            “Well, they say it’s like one big Roman orgy.  But if you go there then you can’t ever come back to heaven.  You stay there forever.”

            “What a fucking tragedy.  How do I get there?”

            “You have to get kicked out.”

            “How do I go about doing that?”

            “You have to really make God mad.”

            “Not a problem.  Take me to your leader.”

            “Are you sure?”

            “Bet your pretty little ass.  That’s if you had one.”

            “And I did,” the blue ball said and started floating up past clouds of glowing balls. 

            “You want to go to hell with me?” I asked as we floated.

            “Tempting…  But I don’t know.”

            “Ahh come on, it’s fucking boring here.  All you guys do is float around and contemplate shit.”

            “Maybe.”

            The clouds grew smaller and smaller as we floated up away from them to what looked like a white star.

            “My children,” It said to us.

            “Ahh, are you God?” I asked.

            “Yes my child.  What are your questions?”

            I thought about it for a few seconds and then asked.

            “Canada…  What were you, fucking drunk?”

            The next thing I knew I was laying on the floor in a filthy bar surrounded by Mexicans.  I sat up and looked around.  A woman was sodomizing herself with a tequila bottle on a little stage.  The Mexicans cheered her on.

            The bartender came over and stood right next to me looking down into my face.

            “Welcome to Tijuana,” he said.

            “Thank God,” I said.

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