Monthly Archives: August 2015


“I fucked your mother…  Fucked her for real,” said the ten year old boy standing next to me at baggage claim 5 of the San Francisco International Airport.      “What?” I asked him.      “Fucked her,” he said again and then winked.      Take into account it was 5:46 AM Wednesday morning and I had just landed after a five and a half hour flight from Chicago O’Hare.  Also I didn’t know who this boy was.   […]

They Cut My Peepee Off

I was calmly walking on the sidewalk heading for a little restaurant to meet some friends when a black Mercedes careened off the road and bumped me about twenty feet forward into the side of a building.  There was a loud crack when I hit the wall and I didn’t feel any pain except for a strange numbness all over my body.  I heard a woman in high heels get out of the car and run over.  She stood over […]

The White Barn of Love

“God damnit Boy!  It’s almost sunset…  More white wash!  Get me more white wash!  Go! Go! Go!” Uncle Chucky screamed at his nephew Jojo from atop the ladder.                Jojo ran back to the house and into the garage to grab two more ten gallon pails of white paint.  His aunt Becky came in from the kitchen and frowned.  “What does he want with all that paint?” she asked.   “He’s pissed at them again,” Jojo grunted.  He ran […]

The Surly Vagina Beast

A young man and a young woman were sleeping in a big bed when, from somewhere in the dark room, came a guttural, mucous-clearing noise. The man immediately snapped up and looked around in the darkness. He shook his girlfriend a little. “Pam… Pam! Wake up,” he said. “What?” Pam asked. “Shh… There’s someone in the house.” “In the house?” “Shh… Listen.” They were quiet as they listened. A strange breathing could be heard. And then the guttural clearing noise […]

The Jacko and R. Kelly Show

“Welcome to the Michael Jackson and R. Kelly Show!  Tonight’s guests are Dick Cheney, Jesus, and a special appearance by The Klan!”  I said to the shrink.        He stared at me with calm eyes and his hands interlaced on his right knee.        “Then there is this goddamn saxophone music.  You know, that sleazy, energetic shit they play.”  I looked over and stopped talking as I studied a picture of flying ducks on his wall. […]

The Father of Detroit

Tommy walked into the bar, sat down, and nodded at the bartender.     “You don’t look so good man,” Bartender.     “Just got dumped,” Tommy.     “Beer?”     “No…  Bloody Mary tonight.  I didn’t get dinner.”     “Next best thing.”     The bartender started to make the drink.  “You didn’t need her anyway.  Cherry was nothing but trouble.”     “I thought you said you didn’t give advice.”     “I’m tired of you coming in here bitching about her.  You can […]

The Brown Bandits

Putano Chulupe squinted his eyes and heaved.  His gut muscles strained and quivered as beads of fat sweat slid down his face.  He closed his eyelids as the wet salt burned into them.  And soon, the flashes of white light began.      “Mama…  Mama Rosita!” he groaned in a Mexican accent.      He remembered Mama Rosita kneading pale brown stretchy dough on the old wood cutting board in the kitchen.  The way she smiled as she pulled it […]

The Bare Minimum

     It was 8 AM and eighty-two degrees with a million percent humidity. The stink of rotting fruit in the French Quarter was getting heavier in the air by the second. A slight helicopter breeze generated by a ceiling fan fluffed the sheets around the two naked bodies lying in bed.      The young woman stirred and looked over at the clock, then out the open balcony of the second floor hotel room.      “It’s raining,” she said.      Xavier […]

Stink Fingers

Mr. Gremler needed five hundred dollars in three hours or else Mobombo Jackson, the bookie, was going to cut his balls off and make him eat them for breakfast.  Mr. Gremler had always been rather partial to his testicles and whenever he thought about them and their future a wave of anxiety swept over him.  The only way for him to get rid of his anxiety was to go to a nudie bar.  His favorite nudie bar was Stink Fingers […]

Seven Broodlings

Max had been nominated for teacher of the year in his district.  The newspaper had done a small article on him.  He meant to frame it but they spelled his name wrong so he didn’t.  The correction was published a few days later but it wasn’t the same.     All things considered his nights consisted of drinking, chasing tail, and getting shot down.     The whole professor in a tweed coat thing and a shitty fake southern accent trying to […]